A pinch of mystery

Recently I had a chat about a quite regular quarrel. The question, how detailed we should tell about ourselves.

I am convinced we should give our communications a pinch of mystery. Why? Because it causes curiosity. Curiosity leads to questions. Answers lead to further interest and so on.

Being digitalized-naked people we are more like the right lid on the can. We tell everybody what terrific ingredients we are made of.

Quite frankly I am not someone opening up freely. Still I had to learn I was the same rapid-talker as soon as I was asked something. So I learned to keep the lid on my saucepan. The outcome is amazing. Since I give people the choice to choose by simply giving shorter answers, I feel more settled.

Since then I emphasize this in my work and I feel it is worth sharing.

Watch out for «I am»-people

The attitude of these fellows is «look what I am made of – isn’t it this tasty?»

They pronounce to be self-aware, reflected, saving the oceans, empathic-co-workers, emancipated/supporting emancipation and so on.

Still they did not mention who put all this into the pot they show you. Was it a book, a seminar, a training, experience, gratefulness?

Communication is about authenticity. Communication is about self-worth. Self-assurdeness. Communication is so much more than the Like-Button.

Think of grandma’s – they defended the lid and earned compliments

I think is the left-sided lid of the can is right on the spot. It is what talking about ourselves should be like.

Remember. Our grandma’s simply started cooking, did they not? Everybody else was chatting, working, having fun. They did their job – caring for their family.

So they put in the ingredients, put the heat on. After a while the smell of this secretly boiling dish reached the living room.

Who would come to the kitchen? Curios people. «Uh this smells like tomato-soup.» «Ah not today. It will be a tomato stew.» «No way! Let me…» «Don’t you dare touching the lid!»

«Ok so tell me, what is this sweet oriental scent? Kummel?» «Not quite, it is cumin.» «Wow – how did you learn about it» and so on and so on.

Not to forget about the «Don’t you dare taking this lid of – you will wait for dinner, like everybody.»

The result? Grandma’s kept their secrets. Still they were respected. Because people admired their skills. They only shared them with the ones truly interested.

Keep the lid on your inner thoughts

Do not tell everybody everything on first sight like it would be if using the right-sided pan on the picture. You (in the meaning of the ingredients) still may be safe by a lid of glas – no one can touch or disorder it.

All the same true is, you will gain nothing if it comes to curiosity for what you are made of, your preciousness and the like.

Why? Because you can see all of through the lid.

What am I supposed to talk about if you already gave me the recipe you are made of?

Our Grandma’s took care of themself by not talking to anybody. I think this is a major lesson to be learned.

They did not show everybody that they went for the kitchen.

They did not tell everybody what is in the pan.

They simply did the work somebody had to do.

This is an extremely smart move, is it not?

They did not waste time.

They avoided getting sad because nobody is interested in the dish, their secrets.

Announcing and telling about the ingredients boundlessly causes the unavoidable state of expectation in ourselves.

Having finished explaining what we are made of we delivers the beginning of a wish. The wish someone is interested in us. So we wait, hope for the ongoing question, a compliment even.

In our gut the expectations anxiously whispers «Someone?» «No one?» «Really?» … sigh. Yeah – this makes all of us swallowing a bitter pill. Heavy sigh.

People not being curious about the ingredients you are made of? They won’t ask you about you. Period. They are not interested. They don’t have to – you are not interested in everybody’s personality-composition on an atomic level, too – are you?!?. Telling them everything will not change it.

But, and this is a big but, you wasted your time. And you self-inflicted you with frustration. You poisened yourself.

Screw that!

Think about this: While doing their work our Grandma’s could think about whatever they choose and if someone came around and was curios, they were charmed, respected and they had a good time.

So: Keep the lid on you. It is like a strainer.

Spare your time, your words and your awareness. It finally will make you getting into contact with people who are honestly interested in you, your recipes, your makings.

Have a great time, kick-ass and enjoy live, your pal Frank

Want to get where you want to be? Work on your No…

You know this? You are happy and energized, excited about a clue you found, a plan you started to unfold. You talk with your best friend and 2 minutes later you are an empty can of human being. Unsure, self-ashamed, in doubt.

Well, here is the trick:

There is but one ability which can not be reimbursed.

It is your daringness to say No.

You can read books, listen to podcasts, enjoy audiobooks, mindmap your projects and communicate top-notch.

All of these activities do not cut any mile to your WWW until you push yourself daring a strong, loud and clearly put NO.

Advising people as a lawyer in countless situations this is the clue how I get them to adapt any situation thrown at them endangering happiness, success, freedom. Be it at court, on the negotiation table, in a personal crises or within the family.

Truth be said: Getting this part done sucks. It makes me scream, sweat and whisper. It takes all of my communicative skills. This accomplished I am proud and, most important, impressed how focussed and confident my client became (compared to the picture of misery I got a call from). The rest of the trail? A peace of cake.

Since I follow these scheme successfully for 20 years, I feel it worth sharing, because it proofed itself steadily.

Right, let´s get started:

Where do you want to be – this is about your Who, your What and (only then!) your Where.

Your Who – who to you want to be?

Look in the mirror. Is this the person you want to meet? To be? What are you missing?

Now you may find some aspects of your very inner attitudes to be polished, developed, established even.

But: Find your NO is the first step!

Stay with me. Who would need to adapt if you change towards being the person you go joyfully ballistic about? All the people knowing you the way you are now! Ouch.

But they say… these are naive buts.

Why for crying out loud would they support you by giving the best advise for your way and cause themselves trouble? Imagine, your are doing what is good for you. They then may be in the need to convince you they are worth your while.

«Ah come on, you are always acting so serious/grown-up»

«You forget about…»

My BSD goes off like a siren.

If you let these questions sink in, you will not stay course. These pieces of advise poison your mental resolve to change. As soon as you open the doors for this poison, you are getting more and more paralyzed. Your remorse grows. The will to change fades and finally: change dies and you earn another scar on your soul for a nonstarter. All of this because you – yes you – did not stop the poison.

Now, stop it! Saying NO is quite doable, not arrogant or patronizing. It is not a rebuke, it is selfdefense.

Let me ask you this:

What is more important to you: Becoming the person who reaches the goals dreamed of or being everybody’s schnook, uuh darling?

If a naysayer feels embarrassed by your NO defending your change of course towards your (not his) goals – he may. You may stay tuned. Fair enough, is it not?

For example, «No, pal, I’d rather do it my way.»

«No, thanks mate, your advice is duly noted.» «It seems to me you want me to be what you think serves your own situation best, you are not in for me myself.» push back the impact. And at the same time you tell yourself, you are doing the right thing, you are smart, you are tough.

Your What – What drives you? What makes you laugh?

«How dare you! You for all people. Happy? Successful?» «You of all people! Entrepreneur. Look, I get it. But think of…»

Do you get the negative vibes of all this naysayer-bullshit?

How many times your answer starts «Ah no, you don’t get it. Believe me,…», «Why you don’t just believe in me…» or alike.

Despite of all this, you struggle to push your project to the next level.

Spare your breath. Just show them the finger. Give them your NO.

This NO kills two birds with one stone. Most important, you avoid your unshakable believe how great it will be to accomplish your goal being being deflated by the stings of these … ok, friends. For now, ok? Then of course, this NO gives you a terrific N ext O pportunity to meet

Your Where – Where is your place you want live? Where is your professionell field of engagement?

«Uuuh I’d think about that.» «Don’t you think anybody would already do it if it would be successfull?» Chew on this bugger-wishes. These are no wishes, no advice. These are statements of envy people, cowardly walking their circles, never looking for new inputs, other thoughts.

Point taken?

NO? Yes – «NO» is self-defense

As you may already assume, I connote a NO with self-protection against wasting time, fighting Oooohs and Ifs (the buts? Of course!). Yes, a NO is pushing back. It´s like pushing a intruders out of your heart (afterwards close the door, for now at least).

Yes, a NO is quite aggressive. And I am convinced an NO is defensive – and defensive actions without the preparedness to act aggressive is? Pointless.

Ready, not blunt

Every friend and any other person I am socially interacting with has the right to offer his thoughts and opinions. And you and me, on the receiving end of such messages are entitled to guide these very words in the waste basket. The one written ‹Does not support my well beings on it.›

Still, NO need to push back any not welcomed tips and suggestions.

If you are feeling competent to defend your enthusiasm smooth and dynamic, this is. Otherwise I’d rather shoot a NO – better safe than sorry.

Be nice and well educated. Give it a try – for once! For example: «Thanks for your point, I’ll consider it.» No need to tell you’re already opening the waste basket.

Before it sucks you better drop? A NO

A guy in the subway is stumbling towards you – make him 190 pounds. Troubles bouncing your way… Would you accept your fate or push him aside?

Now, why don’t we push away painful words? To avoid infection? I don’t get the reasons, also I now quite some of the reasonings.

«You don’t talk like this to friends.» «She is of no means.» «He wants to care.» «He wants to support.»

You know these sentences, do you not?

Now let me switch the perspective: Our friends can talk any shitload and we clean their mess in our hearts, if it comes to our dreams? «She is of no means» so we are not entitled to avoid hurts? «He wants to support» so he may fail trying and I fail in the wake of his dumbness – come on!

You and me, being the ones defending their focus, their track for the goal – we are the only ones who can successfully defend our dreams and objectives. Only ourselves are to blame if anybody (missus, husband, mummy, daddy, girlfriend, teacher – you name it) tries to make us stop.

‹Deliberate› does not come into the equation

If I am asleep and I curl myself on my side of the bed, hitting my beloved, I do not act deliberate – still I may have hurt her. She will push back or shout alright.

There is but one instance you should decide whether you start your NO-sourveillance-routine (does it get better making a NSR out of this?): your feelings.

  • It starts bothering you? That´s a start.
  • It hurts? Thats a distress call!
  • It´s a offense of your brightness? F* them.

I observe a great relieve in the faces of people I am coaching on their NO asking them to distinctly distinguish the result (the receiver is hurt) and whether said deliberately to hurt(did my friend deliberately wanted to hurt me?).

Don’t be a fool: You are not befriended with persons deliberately causing you pain. It is not a judgement of verbal assault to drop a NO at any point of a dialogue. It is just self defense. You are not acting accusing by saying NO, because stopping your hurts is not accusing anybody to hurt you deliberately. It is just self-defense.

99 out of 100 I put my money on the hypothesis these naysayers, deeply caring friends and family members are following so called scripts, written by their subconsciousness. Isn’t that great: You can say NO and this is no verdict. You can even state this: «I feel patronized and I appreciate your respect for this. I truly believe you did not intend to make me feel this way. Let´s change subjects, will we?»

They may even be deeply sorry, if you tell them about their talk – very, very, very much later. You do not take a frying pan from the hot plate believing it is immediately cooled, right? So wait – talk about something else. Relax. And during your next couple of drinks at a bar or while lunch: if it fits – talk about it.

Daring your NO can – seriously – stop a cascade of misunderstandings. I think an early NO is a win win for both your dreams and your relationship clouded by mislead statements.

So remember:

„Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough.” Josh Billings

Mirror Mirror on the wall…

Let´s get down to the tough part.

I confess freely that I myself am the toughest nut to crack talking about my own matters.

My inner scripts give me hell of a headache from time to time. Talking about scripts I refer to the insights the Transactional Analysis can offer. It is worth doing some research on it.

My parents, buddies or my lady can ruin my mood – for half a day max. My scripts? If they go ballistic? My focus and persistence are minced – big time.

The good news is: this can be avoided.

Thus: Look in the mirror. If you see or feel only a blink of doubt in your eyes say NO. Do not let yourself down. Say NO. You self-defense your tomorrow, your ability to strive, to laugh and to accomplish your goals and even dreams. Saying NO to your doubts is literally allowing yourself the N ext O pportunity.

How is this?

All our self-doubts, the emotional warnings are a summary of our experiences. Where did they grow? In our past. Our past did start with our Childhood. And all this sums up. We were being programmed by our ants, your parents, our teachers, the society you grew up in – you name it.

Did we ask for this: NO! Could we avoid it? NO. Do we have to follow these pieces of advise and alleged truths? NO!!! Good news is it not?

There is a inner 2nd me – looking me into the eyes and trying to force me to take course along all the warnings given into my rucksack in the past by people I did not ask to put them in.

I say, even scream NO and this? Sets me free.

You can do the same. Mirror mirror on the wall? Well F* you, listen carefully: NO, I do not stop chasing my goal because of my past.

Put all your might in it. It is the strongest, most persevering opponent on your track towards your objectives and dreams.

Fighting your past is overcoming your fears. Saying NO to this inner voice is saying yes to the person you are. Saying NO to self-doubt is empowering yourself to succeed.

Some figures

Your brave NO spares you approximately 5 min of nonsense-disputes. How things said were being meant and so on and so on and the like chit chat BS. Lets say this happens only 3 times a week, it spares you 60 minutes a month. Now add about 2 beers for your frustration plus 20 minutes it takes to overcome this clusterfuck of emotions you did not ask for – lets make them 2 times a week. That sums up to 160 minutes. Summary? 220 minutes a month you can invest in cutting miles towards where you want to be.

Now: Get your smartphone, start a timer of 3 hours an 40 minutes, lock yourself down and work on your piece.

Isn’t that a ROI for saying NO only 3 times a week?

Thanks for reading – enjoy life, kick ass and have fun! Your pal Frank

The best way to form your idea a success: make it being your child

Are you suffering the feeling your idea is mangled and scattered by your fellow people, friends, banker and family? They cause no good to your idea and your positiveness and enthusiasm and there is no strategy to stop this brain drain.

The origin of my way to serve ideas is a confession: I deeply feel my ideas being my children. Nowadays this may sound ridiculous, esoteric, soft. I object resolutely – anybody having a go on my ideas? They better watch their luck.

So here is my way to safe my ideas from naysayers, know-it-alls and envious folks.

Ready to show up

There are times we need to decide. You have decided your idea is amazing. So you decided you owe it your best effort. You decided that there are no more figures to be checked, presentations to be prepared, graphics to be scribbled, code to be penned. You are all set for success.

Here’s where the bad news comes in: that was the easy part.

Attention – handle with greatest care!

Now, how to safe your ideas from being scrambled in the real world? Any friend and family member will have an opinion about you and your idea. Not only does anybody deem, they certainly now exactly what to do. Their ingenuity is the solely instance knowing right from wrong. And without saying, the have your best in mind. S.c.r.e.w. t.h.e.m.!

I do not want to imagine, how many extraordinary ideas, concepts, solutions and alike have been atomized by this bullshit-chatter.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. (Eleanor Roosevelt)

This holds true for your idea, too. But then again: It is your job to protect your idea against any misjudging, patronizing and downgrading.

Start feeling for your idea as a child of yours. I am convinced this is a top notch attitude to shelter your idea. Nothing new so. It’s only we sadly lost sight of it. So I want to spotlight it.

Accept your parenthood.

What strength and determination would you put in, what length would you go to make your child grow up properly, healthy, steady, loved and hugged? I am truly convinced everybody would spare no effort, right?

An intermediate proposal: Close your eyes – feel your idea as it smiles and is ready for the world. Count to ten. Continue reading.

Advertising your idea is giving birth to a flash of wit of yours

Uuh. Right… So, happy parenthood!

Remember the pregnancy: You had a moment of ingenuity (yes, your thoughts are that bright). It stuck to your gut. You chewed it, fed it and you embraced it. And after a few weeks of creativity there it is: your lovely idea.

The boost of parenthood: determination

Now ask you this:

Would you allow anybody to tell you, your kid is ugly, there is no place for it on this world, even in your apartment?

Would you allow anybody to openly disrespect your baby as a minion?

No? I thought so.

So why not feel and behave the same way while looking for the wellbeing of your idea?

I could not care less why somebody is nagging on my thrilling book-project, my advertisement-concept, my clue on a case. Anybody laughing at it or being disrespectful is a new ad-hoc nobody to me. Period.

  • Somebody is stealing your idea? A parent would do whatever it takes. Nobody would dare – right?
  • Somebody deems you are not the right person to look after your child? Who is he to blame! Remove him. Make him stop insulting you.
  • Someone does not feel the need to apology for misbehaving (remember: If someone treads on your foot it hurts – be it intentional or not)? Cheers! You just got a free seat in your coach for true supporters and friends. Enjoy your trip.

More important so: All this makes you an example how to grow up your kids – values, self-respect, truthfulness – you name it. I am sure I am spot-on that your idea benefits from you being such a person.

You are to adapt

Just a few are naturals looking at any matters of parenthood. Still that is no point to become a monk and stay ascetic of brainsex to father ideas. Guess what? Nature knows parental skills will be developed through love and step by step – no need for classes. Still one thing is vital: take responsibility and act like an adult.

I enjoyed the great article of Deb Knobelmann. She provides a great nudge to get your act together for the good of your enterprise. It is worth reading here.

Let me link one particular extract to point out the power of the attitude described here:

‹My friend looked at me. “Oh, I have no idea how our business is doing. I just like to create.”›

From my point of view it is naiv to outright complain that your growing company is messing up with your concept of work content.

Now I think things would deploy totally different if one indulges a parenteral attitude to his idea:

Any parent worth it’s salt would understand parenthood is not about knowing but caring. Thus one would always scan his personal surroundings for people being adapt to educate his child.

Looking at company growth as a lifecycle of a child. any parent would lovingly accept the headaches given by your 6 year old nettler. Breath and care instead of mull over and complain.

Your companies profit? Well, for the first years it surely is the idea’s parents responsibility to watch for it. Get sales department, accounting, controlling and all the funny brownies to work. In a way of course, which makes your idea beam.

Happy end

Eventually your idea became adult. The kid became an adult. A respected player. Healthy, strong, inspiring by itself.

You may retire now. Knowing you did your best. Lived your responsibility. All is well.

Imagine this proud, grateful self-inducted satisfaction.

Nothing´s granted

Wishful thinking is crab. Positivity is when reality comes into play. Matter of factly children die. Not all of them make it beyond the forty years, the twenties even. Still: thats why parents give their upmost best. Pushing the odds, reducing threats.

Final remarks

Hope for the best, plan for the worse. But not for yourself. For your ideas! Do not expect them to make you happy. Make them happy to feel this proud about your brains result had grown up into the real world.

And, for what it’s worth: Funny thing about me being father of my ideas is: there is no birth control, eh?

Thanks Apple bye bye WhatsApp

For me the Screen Time Widget (iOS 12) is a gift. It is the x-ray tool for self-induced diversions. Big time.

As some of you may know there is quite a tremendous difference between the time of the diversion itself, this tiny little scumbag called ‚diversion-readiness‘ and the very pushy, booty Mr GetBackOnTrack-Noooooww – exhausting he is, Master Yoda.

We will hardly be able to measure how much of our ability to deliver the best, being an adapt buddy or charming lover is scrambled due to our alertness

  • is there a new FB-Like?
  • new offers on my shopping-app?
  • chatter on WhatsApp, Tinder, Instagram? -you name it

Honestly I’rather not know.

But, and this is a big but, since the Screen Time Widget we could know how much time we loose, respell it please: looooose as in get nothing out of it but kitten-GIFs, stupid jokes and sorry-pictures of drunk or disarranged people.

Right. Loose. Let’s get on.

Don’t throw lifetime in a wastebasket of kitten-pictures

Fact is, many scientists put effort into the measurement of how long lasts a diversion in total. You are disturbed by a mean 5 word text on W^A^pe.

Of course, anybody but me is able to compartmentalize the pity feelings and jump right back to work, our diner with our beloved partners and so on. Uuh – maybe some few are as human as I am.

The ratio ‹diversion-time› : ‹time to reestablish your focus-level› is about 1:5 at a minimum. For minute-wise diversion this is a pretty fair formula. Shorter diversion you can count by 5 minutes each without exaggerating your guess. 

Let’s be crystal clear. For looking at a kitten-picture or the next really really important blingbling on instagram you willingly loose 5 minutes of your lifetime

My Screen-Time-X-Ray conclusion after 8 Weeks – it´s daunting.

If you fail to proof you end at proof of fail

Do this 10 times a day and you’d thrown about an hour non-reproducible life time straight into your wastebasket – cheers.

I guess this is ok for all of us not hunting our dreams, reaching out for success, being sad about not enough time for family and road trips.

For me the Screen Time Widget was horrific proof of a quite lousy side of my online-personality. I simply underestimated my regularity and the time-consumption in total.

I recognized how much time I can spare by deleting one diversion app. Being out of the loop for low level diversion is no prize to pay, it’s enrichment – for me at least.

Thanks Apple and bye bye WhatsApp.