You know this? You are happy and energized, excited about a clue you found, a plan you started to unfold. You talk with your best friend and 2 minutes later you are an empty can of human being. Unsure, self-ashamed, in doubt.
Well, here is the trick:
There is but one ability which can not be reimbursed.
It is your daringness to say No.
You can read books, listen to podcasts, enjoy audiobooks, mindmap your projects and communicate top-notch.
All of these activities do not cut any mile to your WWW until you push yourself daring a strong, loud and clearly put NO.
Advising people as a lawyer in countless situations this is the clue how I get them to adapt any situation thrown at them endangering happiness, success, freedom. Be it at court, on the negotiation table, in a personal crises or within the family.
Truth be said: Getting this part done sucks. It makes me scream, sweat and whisper. It takes all of my communicative skills. This accomplished I am proud and, most important, impressed how focussed and confident my client became (compared to the picture of misery I got a call from). The rest of the trail? A peace of cake.
Since I follow these scheme successfully for 20 years, I feel it worth sharing, because it proofed itself steadily.
Right, let´s get started:
Where do you want to be – this is about your Who, your What and (only then!) your Where.
Your Who – who to you want to be?
Look in the mirror. Is this the person you want to meet? To be? What are you missing?
Now you may find some aspects of your very inner attitudes to be polished, developed, established even.
But: Find your NO is the first step!
Stay with me. Who would need to adapt if you change towards being the person you go joyfully ballistic about? All the people knowing you the way you are now! Ouch.
But they say… these are naive buts.
Why for crying out loud would they support you by giving the best advise for your way and cause themselves trouble? Imagine, your are doing what is good for you. They then may be in the need to convince you they are worth your while.
«Ah come on, you are always acting so serious/grown-up»
«You forget about…»
My BSD goes off like a siren.
If you let these questions sink in, you will not stay course. These pieces of advise poison your mental resolve to change. As soon as you open the doors for this poison, you are getting more and more paralyzed. Your remorse grows. The will to change fades and finally: change dies and you earn another scar on your soul for a nonstarter. All of this because you – yes you – did not stop the poison.
Now, stop it! Saying NO is quite doable, not arrogant or patronizing. It is not a rebuke, it is selfdefense.
Let me ask you this:
What is more important to you: Becoming the person who reaches the goals dreamed of or being everybody’s schnook, uuh darling?
If a naysayer feels embarrassed by your NO defending your change of course towards your (not his) goals – he may. You may stay tuned. Fair enough, is it not?
For example, «No, pal, I’d rather do it my way.»
«No, thanks mate, your advice is duly noted.» «It seems to me you want me to be what you think serves your own situation best, you are not in for me myself.» push back the impact. And at the same time you tell yourself, you are doing the right thing, you are smart, you are tough.
Your What – What drives you? What makes you laugh?
«How dare you! You for all people. Happy? Successful?» «You of all people! Entrepreneur. Look, I get it. But think of…»
Do you get the negative vibes of all this naysayer-bullshit?
How many times your answer starts «Ah no, you don’t get it. Believe me,…», «Why you don’t just believe in me…» or alike.
Despite of all this, you struggle to push your project to the next level.
Spare your breath. Just show them the finger. Give them your NO.
This NO kills two birds with one stone. Most important, you avoid your unshakable believe how great it will be to accomplish your goal being being deflated by the stings of these … ok, friends. For now, ok? Then of course, this NO gives you a terrific N ext O pportunity to meet
Your Where – Where is your place you want live? Where is your professionell field of engagement?
«Uuuh I’d think about that.» «Don’t you think anybody would already do it if it would be successfull?» Chew on this bugger-wishes. These are no wishes, no advice. These are statements of envy people, cowardly walking their circles, never looking for new inputs, other thoughts.
NO? Yes – «NO» is self-defense
As you may already assume, I connote a NO with self-protection against wasting time, fighting Oooohs and Ifs (the buts? Of course!). Yes, a NO is pushing back. It´s like pushing a intruders out of your heart (afterwards close the door, for now at least).
Yes, a NO is quite aggressive. And I am convinced an NO is defensive – and defensive actions without the preparedness to act aggressive is? Pointless.
Ready, not blunt
Every friend and any other person I am socially interacting with has the right to offer his thoughts and opinions. And you and me, on the receiving end of such messages are entitled to guide these very words in the waste basket. The one written ‹Does not support my well beings on it.›
Still, NO need to push back any not welcomed tips and suggestions.
If you are feeling competent to defend your enthusiasm smooth and dynamic, this is. Otherwise I’d rather shoot a NO – better safe than sorry.
Be nice and well educated. Give it a try – for once! For example: «Thanks for your point, I’ll consider it.» No need to tell you’re already opening the waste basket.
Before it sucks you better drop? A NO
A guy in the subway is stumbling towards you – make him 190 pounds. Troubles bouncing your way… Would you accept your fate or push him aside?
Now, why don’t we push away painful words? To avoid infection? I don’t get the reasons, also I now quite some of the reasonings.
«You don’t talk like this to friends.» «She is of no means.» «He wants to care.» «He wants to support.»
You know these sentences, do you not?
Now let me switch the perspective: Our friends can talk any shitload and we clean their mess in our hearts, if it comes to our dreams? «She is of no means» so we are not entitled to avoid hurts? «He wants to support» so he may fail trying and I fail in the wake of his dumbness – come on!
You and me, being the ones defending their focus, their track for the goal – we are the only ones who can successfully defend our dreams and objectives. Only ourselves are to blame if anybody (missus, husband, mummy, daddy, girlfriend, teacher – you name it) tries to make us stop.
‹Deliberate› does not come into the equation
If I am asleep and I curl myself on my side of the bed, hitting my beloved, I do not act deliberate – still I may have hurt her. She will push back or shout alright.
There is but one instance you should decide whether you start your NO-sourveillance-routine (does it get better making a NSR out of this?): your feelings.
- It starts bothering you? That´s a start.
- It hurts? Thats a distress call!
- It´s a offense of your brightness? F* them.
I observe a great relieve in the faces of people I am coaching on their NO asking them to distinctly distinguish the result (the receiver is hurt) and whether said deliberately to hurt(did my friend deliberately wanted to hurt me?).
Don’t be a fool: You are not befriended with persons deliberately causing you pain. It is not a judgement of verbal assault to drop a NO at any point of a dialogue. It is just self defense. You are not acting accusing by saying NO, because stopping your hurts is not accusing anybody to hurt you deliberately. It is just self-defense.
99 out of 100 I put my money on the hypothesis these naysayers, deeply caring friends and family members are following so called scripts, written by their subconsciousness. Isn’t that great: You can say NO and this is no verdict. You can even state this: «I feel patronized and I appreciate your respect for this. I truly believe you did not intend to make me feel this way. Let´s change subjects, will we?»
They may even be deeply sorry, if you tell them about their talk – very, very, very much later. You do not take a frying pan from the hot plate believing it is immediately cooled, right? So wait – talk about something else. Relax. And during your next couple of drinks at a bar or while lunch: if it fits – talk about it.
Daring your NO can – seriously – stop a cascade of misunderstandings. I think an early NO is a win win for both your dreams and your relationship clouded by mislead statements.
„Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough.” Josh Billings
Mirror Mirror on the wall…
Let´s get down to the tough part.
I confess freely that I myself am the toughest nut to crack talking about my own matters.
My inner scripts give me hell of a headache from time to time. Talking about scripts I refer to the insights the Transactional Analysis can offer. It is worth doing some research on it.
My parents, buddies or my lady can ruin my mood – for half a day max. My scripts? If they go ballistic? My focus and persistence are minced – big time.
The good news is: this can be avoided.
Thus: Look in the mirror. If you see or feel only a blink of doubt in your eyes say NO. Do not let yourself down. Say NO. You self-defense your tomorrow, your ability to strive, to laugh and to accomplish your goals and even dreams. Saying NO to your doubts is literally allowing yourself the N ext O pportunity.
How is this?
All our self-doubts, the emotional warnings are a summary of our experiences. Where did they grow? In our past. Our past did start with our Childhood. And all this sums up. We were being programmed by our ants, your parents, our teachers, the society you grew up in – you name it.
Did we ask for this: NO! Could we avoid it? NO. Do we have to follow these pieces of advise and alleged truths? NO!!! Good news is it not?
There is a inner 2nd me – looking me into the eyes and trying to force me to take course along all the warnings given into my rucksack in the past by people I did not ask to put them in.
I say, even scream NO and this? Sets me free.
You can do the same. Mirror mirror on the wall? Well F* you, listen carefully: NO, I do not stop chasing my goal because of my past.
Put all your might in it. It is the strongest, most persevering opponent on your track towards your objectives and dreams.
Fighting your past is overcoming your fears. Saying NO to this inner voice is saying yes to the person you are. Saying NO to self-doubt is empowering yourself to succeed.
Your brave NO spares you approximately 5 min of nonsense-disputes. How things said were being meant and so on and so on and the like chit chat BS. Lets say this happens only 3 times a week, it spares you 60 minutes a month. Now add about 2 beers for your frustration plus 20 minutes it takes to overcome this clusterfuck of emotions you did not ask for – lets make them 2 times a week. That sums up to 160 minutes. Summary? 220 minutes a month you can invest in cutting miles towards where you want to be.
Now: Get your smartphone, start a timer of 3 hours an 40 minutes, lock yourself down and work on your piece.
Isn’t that a ROI for saying NO only 3 times a week?
Thanks for reading – enjoy life, kick ass and have fun! Your pal Frank